Even before we were married, G and I new we wanted kids. Now, being 36, I wasn't worried about having a baby. I was worried about our baby's health, of course. But the day to day taking care of a baby wasn't a big concern to me. I was worried about the lack of sleep, because I am one of those people who need a lot of sleep. But, my husband and I had talked about our parenting philosophy, we both had been around babies, and were generally very low key about it.
The first anxiety hit me right away. I wanted to breastfeed, but E slept so much in the hospital she wasn't eating much, and my milk hadn't really come in yet. The Dr. said not to worry, she will start eating more when she gets hungry. Well, the last night of my hospital stay, a nurse wakes me up at 2am to feed E, and brings with her this Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) which is a bottle with little tubes you tape to your breasts, so that when baby is nursing they are getting both breastmilk and formula. She tells me E has lost too much weight and I must do this.
What I should have done is said no. I should have said the Dr. was not worried and I don't want to supplement until I speak with him again. But, as a new mom, at 2am, you think the nurses know best and you do what they tell you. So, I used this system. And I used it twice more before we were discharged from the hospital, with an appointment to come back and have the baby's weight checked in 4 days.
Once at home, the SNS became a nightmare. I would spend 20 minutes trying to get E to latch perfectly with both the breast and the tube in her mouth, only to have her let go 5 minutes later. By the next morning, I was a basket case. When the public health nurse called me (a free option I urge everyone to accept), I was in tears. She came over that afternoon with the baby scale to help me. She weighed E and she was up slightly from when we left the hospital. My milk had finally come in, and she was latching good and eating well. So, I stopped with the SNS and just nursed on demand for the rest of the weekend.
Monday morning, we go to the Dr and have E weighed, and she is down again. Now, I don't know if the nurse's scale was off and that is why she was up when weighed at my home, or if E had lost weight again over the weekend. But, I was told to keep supplementing with formula and come back in a week. So, home we went. More nightmares trying to feed with this system. One night, after an hour and a half of trying to feed E, while getting formula dripped all over me, having her scream, latch, let go, over and over again, I gave up. I was crying hysterically, so worried I wasn't doing the right thing. Thinking I was already failing at being a good mom because I couldn't feed my baby. But, I wasn't going to let her go hungry because I was a failure, so I had my husband fix her a bottle. She downed 3 oz of formula and then slept for 3 or 4 hours.
I tried nursing and supplementing and pumping. But, after 3 weeks, I all but gave up, and by 5 weeks she was entirely formula fed. I don't know if I would have been more successful had I not supplemented, but it seemed that my supply never was enough because I started supplementing so early. I made the right choice, but I still feel guilt over it. One thing I learned is that I was woefully unprepared for how much work nursing is. I had too many visitors and didn't pump enough. I didn't really think about what it means to nurse every 2-3 hours when it can take over an hour for a feeding.
I also learned that all of my insecurities and anxieties are magnified by 1000 now that I have a baby. Somehow, I manage to be worried about everything, while still rejecting advice and help from everyone. I don't want anyone else to know my baby better than me, even though every day I fear I am messing her up terribly. In my head I know she is happy, healthy, and wonderful. But in my heart I worry she will grow up and find me lacking.
It is so funny that when you get pregnant, everyone wants to give you advice. They tell you how to pack the diaper bag and get used to no sleep and what stroller to buy and how long to rearface in a carseat. But, no one tells you that you will lose all sense of confidence in yourself, and that it is perfectly normal to be overwhelmed by little things, and that every mom worries about messing up their kids. Why is that? Why did I spend so many months feeling so alone, only to discover after I entered therapy that what I was going through was totally normal?
I want to tell all new moms my story, and let them know it is ok to be afraid, and overwhelmed, and at times completely irrational in their fears. And, that it does get better. This past year has gone by so fast. I realize now that those days of being scared to death that she wasn't eating were so short, and if I could have just taken a breath and realized that we would be past that stage so quickly, maybe I wouldn't have been so worried.
Anyway, long post. But, if you are a new mom, or know a new mom, please share a virtual hug from me.
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