visiting the grandparents

Well, E and I are off to visit the grandparents for a couple of days.  One of the perks of being unemployed is that I can go visiting during the week while my husband works.  I will miss him, of course.  So, stay tuned for an update sometime after Thursday.

I dream...

I dream for my daughter.  I want her to be brave, fearless, and embrace life.  I want her to back pack through Europe, do mission work in South America, go to college, date a rough around the edges bad boy (with a good heart), and go rushing into life with arms wide open.  I want her to do all of these things, but I don't want her to ever be in danger.  How do I reconcile my fears with my dreams for her?  I am paranoid about feeding her solid foods, and still dice things up way smaller than she needs them.  I don't let anyone but myself or my husband drive her around, in her super safe rear-facing carseat.  I put her in her playpen to shower, even though she would be safe in the gated off living room.  How to I keep her safe without teaching her to worry?  My whole life I have been too afraid to take many risks.  I absolutely do not want that for E.  I pray that I will be strong enough to handle the fear, so she never has to.

naptime!

It is naptime.  I put E in her crib 40 minutes ago, and she has been playing quietly ever since (I can hear her on the monitor).  Normally, she would just fall asleep, but now I hear her starting to whine.  I don't want to go up there and get her all worked up, so I am hoping the whining quiets down and she will finally go to sleep.  Unfortunately, she fell asleep in the van on the way home from the grocery store, for about 10 minutes.  That is enough to mess up her napping for the rest of the day.  ugh!

Also, our baby monitor makes this funny clicking noise.  It is so annoying.  I don't know how to make it stop, it is only one of the two receivers.  Mostly I try to tune it out, but it bothers my husband enough that he will turn the receiver off if she isn't in her room, but not tell me.  So then when we put her to bed, she can be up there for a while before I realize it is too quiet and turn the monitor back on.  I hate to think she might have needed me and I couldn't hear her.  Annoying.

It is a holiday weekend, but G is working Saturday and Sunday, all day from 7 to 7.  Bummer.  That means me all alone with E, again.  And, she will be asleep when he leaves for work and asleep when he gets home, so he will miss her a bunch.  But, we can't pass up the overtime.  At least we have Monday together.  Yay!

Have a great weekend!

new mommy anxiety

Even before we were married, G and I new we wanted kids.  Now, being 36, I wasn't worried about having a baby.  I was worried about our baby's health, of course.  But the day to day taking care of a baby wasn't a big concern to me.  I was worried about the lack of sleep, because I am one of those people who need a lot of sleep.  But, my husband and I had talked about our parenting philosophy, we both had been around babies, and were generally very low key about it. 

The first anxiety hit me right away.  I wanted to breastfeed, but E slept so much in the hospital she wasn't eating much, and my milk hadn't really come in yet.  The Dr. said not to worry, she will start eating more when she gets hungry.  Well, the last night of my hospital stay, a nurse wakes me up at 2am to feed E, and brings with her this Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) which is a bottle with little tubes you tape to your breasts, so that when baby is nursing they are getting both breastmilk and formula.  She tells me E has lost too much weight and I must do this.

What I should have done is said no.  I should have said the Dr. was not worried and I don't want to supplement until I speak with him again.  But, as a new mom, at 2am, you think the nurses know best and you do what they tell you.  So, I used this system.  And I used it twice more before we were discharged from the hospital, with an appointment to come back and have the baby's weight checked in 4 days.

Once at home, the SNS became a nightmare.  I would spend 20 minutes trying to get E to latch perfectly with both the breast and the tube in her mouth, only to have her let go 5 minutes later.  By the next morning, I was a basket case.  When the public health nurse called me (a free option I urge everyone to accept), I was in tears.  She came over that afternoon with the baby scale to help me.  She weighed E and she was up slightly from when we left the hospital.  My milk had finally come in, and she was latching good and eating well.  So, I stopped with the SNS and just nursed on demand for the rest of the weekend. 

Monday morning, we go to the Dr and have E weighed, and she is down again.  Now, I don't know if the nurse's scale was off and that is why she was up when weighed at my home, or if E had lost weight again over the weekend.  But, I was told to keep supplementing with formula and come back in a week.  So, home we went.  More nightmares trying to feed with this system.  One night, after an hour and a half of trying to feed E, while getting formula dripped all over me, having her scream, latch, let go, over and over again, I gave up.  I was crying hysterically, so worried I wasn't doing the right thing.  Thinking I was already failing at being a good mom because I couldn't feed my baby.  But, I wasn't going to let her go hungry because I was a failure, so I had my husband fix her a bottle.  She downed 3 oz of formula and then slept for 3 or 4 hours.

I tried nursing and supplementing and pumping.  But, after 3 weeks, I all but gave up, and by 5 weeks she was entirely formula fed.  I don't know if I would have been more successful had I not supplemented, but it seemed that my supply never was enough because I started supplementing so early.  I made the right choice, but I still feel guilt over it.  One thing I learned is that I was woefully unprepared for how much work nursing is.  I had too many visitors and didn't pump enough.  I didn't really think about what it means to nurse every 2-3 hours when it can take over an hour for a feeding.

I also learned that all of my insecurities and anxieties are magnified by 1000 now that I have a baby.  Somehow, I manage to be worried about everything, while still rejecting advice and help from everyone.  I don't want anyone else to know my baby better than me, even though every day I fear I am messing her up terribly.  In my head I know she is happy, healthy, and wonderful.  But in my heart I worry she will grow up and find me lacking. 

It is so funny that when you get pregnant, everyone wants to give you advice.  They tell you how to pack the diaper bag and get used to no sleep and what stroller to buy and how long to rearface in a carseat.  But, no one tells you that you will lose all sense of confidence in yourself, and that it is perfectly normal to be overwhelmed by little things, and that every mom worries about messing up their kids.  Why is that?  Why did I spend so many months feeling so alone, only to discover after I entered therapy that what I was going through was totally normal?

I want to tell all new moms my story, and let them know it is ok to be afraid, and overwhelmed, and at times completely irrational in their fears.  And, that it does get better.  This past year has gone by so fast.  I realize now that those days of being scared to death that she wasn't eating were so short, and if I could have just taken a breath and realized that we would be past that stage so quickly, maybe I wouldn't have been so worried. 

Anyway, long post.  But, if you are a new mom, or know a new mom, please share a virtual hug from me.

my amazing husband

Last night I went to bed with a headache.  This morning, it was worse.  Now, I get these hormone migraines now and then.  This morning I got up and called the chiropractor, hoping a neck adjustment would help.  I was nauseous from the pain, with tears running down my face as I made toaster waffles.  My husband, G, is working 3-11 today, so he was home with me this morning.  He also wanted to get into the chiro, so I made appts for both of us. 

He was going to go, rush home to watch E, then I would go.  But, while I was in the shower I was thinking we would be cutting it close.  And, with my super painful headache, I wasn't relishing the day with E and her newfound love of screaching as loud as possible (she is 13 months, so that is pretty loud).  So, G said we could take E to daycare.  We have this great daycare that allows us to just drop E off and pay for the day, so that was great.  G dropped E off, I went to chiro, came home and went to bed.  Got up at 2:30 and grabbed a bite to eat, and then picked E up.  I'm not 100%, but I am better. 

I have a friend's 9 year old hanging out with me after school for the next 2 weeks, so he is helping with E until 6.  It is so nice that my husband is still ok with taking E to daycare now and then.  I feel bad paying for daycare when I am not working, but she loves it, and today it was a lifesaver.

bruised...

Wow, what a clumsy couple of days.  First, we have a room in front of our living room (creatively called the front room) that is separated from the living room by double pocket doors.  We have placed a large play yard across the front of the TV from the corner all the way across these doors, just kind of propped up there like a baby gate, to keep E away from the electronics and the front room.  Well, last week I was stepping over the gate when my foot got stuck and I fell, landing on a bunch of toys.  The worst part was that E was standing at the gate and was knocked over when I fell, and ended up trapped under the gate for a moment while I got my foot unstuck.  She was scared, but unhurt.  I am sore, and both of my knees are all bruised up.  I couldn't stop crying, I was so scared I hurt her, which only scared her worse, of course.  But, we got over it and are fine.

So, last night, I go to step out the back door so I can throw out some flowers my in-laws gave me that had wilted.  I take one step and my right ankle rolls right on its side.  I heard a horrible cracking noise and went right down.  Magically, I was able to set the glass vase down without breaking it.  And, I didn't break my ankle, but it hurt like heck all night.  So now I have a bruised ankle and 2 bruised knees.  I feel like frankenstein with my stiff walk today.  Good grief!

Anyway, I am not feeling very motivated to do anything right now.  I did organize a bunch of toys this morning, and packed away a bunch of kids books that E just tears up when she gets her hands on them.  I need to wash the kitchen floor and get laundry going, but I think I will wait until nap time.  E is playing with a bunch of toys that she hasn't seen in a while.  I would like to go for a walk, but it looks like it might rain, and with my bruised ankle I don't want to risk it.

One of my struggles with being a SAHM is that I feel like I need to accomplish something around the house every day.  I am worried my husband is going to think I am lazy if I don't get anything done.  I know that isn't true, he was laid off for 19 months and didn't always do things around the house.  But, that is my anxiety for now.  More on that later...

not as planned

Plan for today...go to local mom's group this morning, then drop E off at Grandma's while I run a couple of errands.  First, found out Grandma wouldn't be available until the middle of E's nap time.  OK, no problem, maybe I will just have Grandma come to our house and run out quick this afternoon.

Get up this morning, headache.  Crap.  5:30 am, 3 ibuprofin, 8 am, 3 more.  Not a good start.  Get our stuff together and get out the door.  I have looked at the map and am pretty sure I can find the meeting place.  Um, guess not.  Drive by twice, nothing.  As it turns out, I was looking for the wrong church.  Thought maybe they would have a little "mom's group here" sign, but nope.  OK, head into town with E to run errands.

Was able to get to the dollar store, walk through a 2nd had kids store, and squeeze in a haircut while E sat nicely in her stroller.  Yay!  After haircut, discover that the crappy sippy cup has leaked prune juice all over E and the stroller.  Crap! 

Still have headache, thinking food is the answer.  Zip over to 'family friendly' Perkins.  Struggle to change E in the bathroom - I hate those changing things.  Struggle to juggle E and diaper bag and purse while rinsing out other sippy that had milk in it in.  Ugh.  OK, finally, let's go to the host stand.  And stand.  And stand.  Finally, yes, it will be one plus a high chair.  Great.  Hostess will be right back with a high chair.

So, 5 minutes later, me still trying to juggle wiggly toddler in a back booth.  Finally see a couple of employees, can I please have a high chair?  Waitress gives me a snarky "yes, one is coming".  Great.  She disappears.  Comes back later, or almost back, as I can now see her 20 feet away with the high chair, where she has stopped to chat with another server about where to seat a party of 6.  Am tempted to just get up and get the high chair myself.  But, finally, she brings it over.  Great, broken strap.  Oh, and it is on wheels that are so loose, E shifts her weight and the thing moves, allowing her to reach over and spill a whole cup of cheerios onto the floor.

Waitress chooses now, when I have had about 30 seconds to get E situated to ask me if I know what I want.  Again with the snark.  Um, no.  As it turns out, I have not mastered the ability to wrangle a wiggly toddler, deal with a broken high chair and spilled cheerios all while simultaneously reading a menu.  I am a first time mom, of course.  I am sure that someday I will be able to manage this with 3 kids and a fire drill, but not today.  OK, order, get food, feed E, shovel in some food for me, and get the heck out of there.  Normally, I do try to clean up the mess E makes, but I did not today, and I don't feel bad, either.  :-)

Home, nap.  Thank goodness for nap.  I took one while E took hers.  Headache has receded into background.  Didn't accomplish anything at home today, and will be making frozen pizza for dinner, but that is ok.  At least I never lost patience with E, which is always my biggest fear.  She is a beautiful, crazy good, toddler.  I am a high anxiety, control freak mama.  So, I am constantly reminding myself not to lose patience or get mad when she throws her sippy or gets cranky.  So far, so good.

The first day of the rest of my life...

Well, here I am, my 6th day as a stay at home mom.  I have already had to remind myself 3 times today that it is Wednesday, since I can't seem to keep track of the days of the week without a job to go to.  But, I am profoundly relieved and happy to be home with my daughter right now. 

On to the basics....my name is Kristen, which you already know based on the name of the blog.  I am 38, married 3 years to G, with one daughter, E.  E is 13 months old.  I live in Wisconsin, but the nearest large city is St. Paul, MN.  Up until last week, I worked in a cubicle, driving 45 miles each way into "the cities" (that would be the Twin Cities of St Paul and Minneapolis).  It was a stressful job for a huge, heartless corporation, and at the end I was crying weekly over how much I hated it.  Lucky for me, my husband agreed that I could quit to stay home for a while with E, and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I have no idea how this is going to work out, which is way scary for a control freak like me.  But, the sun is shining, I have home-made bread rising in the kitchen, and my daughter and dog are currently napping.  Oh, forgot to introduce the dog...Charlie the beagle is the cutest, funniest dog you will ever meet.  Anyway, I don't know if anyone will read this, but I figured I could use a diary, and hey, my handwriting sucks.  More later, time to get the laundry started :-)